I don't feel attractive enough to be with my partner | Relate (2024)

What defines attractiveness?

It’s useful to start by thinking about what we mean when we say ‘attractive.’ Does being ‘attractive’ mean fitting into some objective mould of what you’re supposed to look like? Or is it more complicated than that?

While there are certain traits or physical characteristics that are more celebrated and valued in modern society (and unhelpfully reinforced in the media), there is no set criteria for attractiveness. The phrase ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ may be a cliche, but it holds true: what is attractive to one person may not be attractive to someone else - and vice versa.

In truth, we tend tofeelmore attractive when we enjoy healthy self-esteem. People with high self-esteem tend to feel attractive because they simply feel good about who they are. Theyfeelthey are desirable - and literally see themselves as such. Less positive people tend to emphasise what they see as the bad parts of themselves - and therefore tend to see someone less attractive when they look in the mirror.

The tricky thing is that this relationship can be cyclical - so if we begin to feel we are unattractive, so our self-esteem may drop - causing us to believe it even more. If several things are affecting our self-esteem, this can lead to deeper issues of mental health, such as depression and anxiety. Conversely poor mental health can cause low self-esteem.

This causality speaks to how feeling less satisfied in other areas of our lives - such as family or work - can affect how attractive we feel. Someone who feels unsuccessful in their work, relationships, or friendships may not feel like they’re attractive because of the effect it has on their self-esteem. They may feel that, because they aren’t accomplishing as much as they want to, they aren’t desirable. Similarly, someone who is struggling to exert control over their finances, or finds themselves emotionally drained by their extended family, may feel this way.

Looking after your appearance and staying healthy areinfluencersin how attractive you may feel, but it can be easy to overemphasise the physical - and in doing so, you can create an unhealthy and self-fulfilling pattern of thinking.

I don't feel attractive enough to be with my partner | Relate (2024)

FAQs

Why do I feel like I'm not pretty enough for my partner? ›

Perhaps it's something that you've begun to feel after going through physical changes; after an injury, following pregnancy, or during menopause. Or perhaps it's something you've felt for a long time – you may have grown up believing that you're unattractive, or have been told this in previous relationships.

Is it normal to not feel attractive to your partner? ›

Physical attraction can fade: Over time, you may no longer find your partner physically attractive anymore. This could happen if you lose the chemistry that existed between the two of you. Or, you may feel unattracted to changes in their body or appearance.

Is it normal to find a partner less attractive? ›

So it's not surprising if you find that your partner is becoming less physically attractive to you. Perhaps they've gained some weight, or fallen out of shape. Maybe they don't seem to care about being as well-groomed or well-dressed anymore, now that they've settled into a steady relationship with you.

Can you fall in love with someone you are not physically attracted to? ›

In short, yes. You can be in love but not sexually attracted to your partner. Long-term partnerships are complicated. Over time, it's common for people to feel less attracted to their partner.

What to do when you don t feel like you re good enough for your partner? ›

Accept your imperfections and cut out negative self-talk. Work on cultivating self-love and embracing yourself for who you truly are. Talk to your partner about your fears, ask them for their perspective, and be totally honest with them no matter what.

How do I deal with not being attractive enough? ›

Plant the seeds of self-compassion
  1. learning to honor your boundaries and emotional needs.
  2. working to understand and regulate your emotions.
  3. treating yourself with the same kindness you offer friends and loved ones, replacing negative self-talk with encouragement.
  4. recognizing yourself as an individual of unique worth.
Jul 22, 2021

What is the walkaway wife syndrome? ›

So, what exactly is walkaway wife syndrome? In essence, it refers to wives who become so emotionally disconnected and dissatisfied with their marriages that they eventually decide to leave—often after years of built-up resentment.

Is it normal to doubt your attraction to your partner? ›

Of course the occasional worry or doubt or insecurity in any relationship is normal. If the thought crosses your mind—”Am I really attracted to my partner?”—you're not alone, and there's not necessarily a cause for concern.

Can a relationship work if you don't find them attractive? ›

While it might be worrisome, the lack of a physical connection isn't necessarily a dealbreaker; instead, it can take time for someone to feel sexually attracted as they get to know their partner better.

What does it mean to be fraysexual? ›

A fraysexual person generally prefers having sex with people they don't know over those they do. It's the opposite of demisexuality, where a person needs to know someone well and feel connected to them before experiencing sexual attraction.

Why am I not turned on by my partner? ›

Factors that affect one's sex drive include attraction, self-esteem, stress, sexual compatibility, communication, emotional intimacy, as well as societal expectations of sexual desire in relationships, and more, the above study points out.

How long does it take for attraction to develop? ›

There's no set timeline for falling in love. Some people feel instant attraction at first sight, while others may take months to form a deep connection.

Why do I feel like I'm never enough for my partner? ›

Low self-esteem is generally the root of the problem. Often the root of “why am I not good enough for him” is a lack of confidence and insecurity related to numerous issues, including mental unwellness.

Is it normal to feel less for your partner? ›

It's totally normal to have times when you feel more or less in love with your partner. At the same time, it's painful to have stillnesses in a relationship that leave you feeling lost or doubting its future. You may still "love" your partner, and you may still want it to work with them.

How do I be prettier for my boyfriend? ›

Wear flattering clothes.

If you feel super-confident in all of your outfits, pick one that you know he likes the most. If you don't dress up a lot and you and your boyfriend have a special occasion coming up, then wow him with a more dressy dress or a skirt and a cute top. If you're on the bigger side, don't freak out!

Does your partner need to be attractive? ›

Even though looks do play a role in dating, what actually attracts a partner physically may not be what you expect. Everyone has their own insecurities, and no one is perfect. However, there are certain physical traits that can make partners more attractive and carry some weight in your relationship.

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